Long time, no blog

Hey there.

I gotta say, I'm amazed that people are still apparently finding and reading this blog. It's been months since I wrote anything even remotely interesting. 

Okay. It's been months since I wrote anything at all.

I can't promise that I'm going to update regularly, because doing that seems to mean that I don't.  And that one time that I said I was quitting the blog, I became that person who said that, and then changed my mind two days later. I don't want to be that person.  So I am making no promises at all.

Some things I have done recently or am doing currently (in case anyone out there is interested):

• Switched acting schools. It's an adjustment. I'd been at the same place for years and the new place is very different.  I know it's good for me and that it's what I need, but it's also frustrating because it means working in a new and different and scary (and, I gotta say, effective) way. To be honest, the frustration is part of why I know it's the right move. I wasn't growing at my old school. I wasn't learning, and I wasn't working at a challenging level. It was time to move on.  I feel weird about it, but ultimately I'm glad I did it.
• Took a trip.  This was several months ago.  I was dying to get out of Vancouver, so I took a quick jaunt down to L.A.. By myself. It was wonderful. I met some nice people, which I did not expect. I'll go back.
• Bit the bullet and auditioned for theatre for the first time since last year's disaster.  It wasn't a typical theatre audition, which is why I decided to do it - it wasn't as scary.  It went fine even though I didn't get cast, so that was good. It was actually kind of a weird audition, but that was about the director and the way it was set up. I'll work my way back to "typical" theatre auditions, I guess. Baby steps. (Weirdly, I have no problem auditioning for film and tv.)

And...um... that's kind of it for now.  You can see why I haven't been blogging. It's boring when I do. But maybe someday I'll have something more interesting to say.

By the way, it is World Theatre Day.  Support your local theatre artists!!  I am going to a play this weekend. You should, too.

And if you are in Canada, you should really, really see the film Hit n' Strum. If you are not in Canada, you should come here and see it.

That is all. For now. 

I'm Alive

Yes, it's been three months. Oops. And I don't have a lot to say today, except to assure everyone that this blog is not dead. It's just on an unintentional, open-ended hiatus. I fully intend to come back and blog some more.  In the last few months I've been absent because:

1. There wasn't anything to say, or
2. There was stuff to say that I didn't want to say publicly, or
3. There was stuff I was fully willing to write about but didn't have time and/or opportunity until it was too late and I either forgot what I was going to say or it didn't seem to matter anymore.

So. To recap.  Not dead. Hiatus unintentional.  Returning at a date yet to be determined (kind of like the sitcom Community.)

Hope everyone's had a nice holiday!

Me.

Emergence from the Void

Oh, hi.  Did you think I forgot about you?

I promise I didn't. It's just been a very busy and intense time.  The show closed last Sunday night, and then I went straight to work Monday morning. It's been a bit of a marathon really and I finally hit my breaking point yesterday where I just had to stop.  So I did.  There's been a fair bit of couch sitting the last couple of days, plus some grocery shopping (for real food!  Not processed stuff in boxes that can be reheated quickly, but actual, needs-to-be-cooked FOOD!) and a long walk by the ocean.  It's nice to finally have a chance to decompress. I'm definitely not done decompressing, but  at least it's finally happening.

If you're wondering how the show went (and I can see how you might be) the answer is, it mostly went well. Audiences were quite a bit smaller than we would have liked, but they mostly gave a very positive response. We got one review, which was balanced and fair. We certainly didn't win any awards, but we're not hanging our heads in shame, either.

I'm not as proud of my performance as I would like to be, but by all accounts I did fine.  I think, under the circumstances, I did as well as I could have expected to.  There was less rehearsal than I would have liked, and I was in a very anxious, vulnerable state of mind (caused by last spring's horrible experience), and I was working with a first-time director who had also written the piece, etc., etc. Conditions were good but perhaps not ideal.  However, I feel lucky to have worked with a lovely team and grateful to have been given the chance to do this at all. For all that it was scary, it was a necessary thing for me to do. For me, the point of doing this play at all was to get back on the proverbial horse and prove to myself that I could still do this. I feel I accomplished that. So, while Meryl Streep certainly has nothing to worry about, overall, I'm at peace with the experience and I feel like I can go forward and keep building confidence up again.

In that vein, I have a lot to do. Including a lot of thinking. I think I'll write more on this another time, when I have more time to think about it, but basically, I had a long conversation with a friend and colleague that helped me realize that this game is never going to change unless I change it.  Making those changes is not going to be easy or comfortable, but I think it's more than time.

As a teaser, the name of this blog might change. I still intend to remain anonymous, but I'm thinking about a name change that would maybe have a more positive sound.  I'm open to suggestions, if anyone has any ideas.

That's it for now, but I'll be back soon.  The gaps between posts should be smaller from here on out. :)

Seven Down...

... three to go. Performances, that is. 

Gawd, I'm tired.

This working full-time during the day and performing at night is HARD. I mean, I knew that going in, but it's HARD. We've had seven performances in the last eight days.  We had Monday "off", but that was a workday for me so really not that restful. I spent my evening grocery shopping because there was no food in the house.  I'm eating a lot of TV dinners. (They suck, but it's better than takeout. Less expensive and less...um... Supersize Me-ish.)

Overall, I'm having a great time. It's going well. We've had great audience response for the most part, although we've had almost no press and we are most certainly not going to make our money back. But that wasn't the point anyway.

The greatest thing about doing this show?  It's given me back my confidence, which I was starting to worry was irretrievable. It's been a long hard road and I'm sure I drove the director and my co-star crazy at times during the rehearsal process with my constant anxiety, but I'm really grateful they hung in there with me and let me work through it. And I'm so glad I did this show.

So. Three more. There's light at the end of the tunnel.  And, of course, when I get through the tunnel, I will miss it. A lot. But that's the nature of this business.  And at least now I know that there will be another show.

Bonus Post!!

Surprise!  Two in one day!

Lest you be feeling neglected, dear readers, I thought you might enjoy the following (slightly edited) email* that I just sent to a group of my friends who invited me somewhere:

Hi [name redacted] (and everyone),

I would love to!!  BUT.  I am in rehearsal for my Fringe show opening next week. I will be in rehearsal pretty much from Friday night until Tuesday morning. And then again on Wednesday. And then we open and run.  So I can't go. :(

I am now going to do that awful "I can't come to/already missed YOUR show but please please come see mine!!" thing.  I am the worst, I know.  (You still love me, though, right?)

But I would love to see you all at my show.  Details at [website redacted]

Love,
[Me] :)

*This really is the text of a real email, by the way. I've just removed identifying details. So, if it makes you feel better, I'm neglecting my real life, non-internet friends too.

Dispatch from the Void of Production

I'm not going to apologize for my recent blogging absence because, well, I did warn you this would happen.

I have been deep in the Void of Production, and I'm really just poking my head out momentarily to say hi and let you know I'm still alive. The Void of Production, if it's not obvious (it probably is, right?) is that metaphorical black hole into which I retreat, hermit-like, when I'm in rehearsal or in show or filming. I become anti-social with everyone not connected to the show and my focus is entirely there when my presence isn't absolutely required by the job that gives me money.  I quite like the Void, really, but it does tend to annoy everyone in my life not connected to whatever project I'm working on, because I really do disappear and miss stuff. When in the Void, I really am the worst, unless you're in there with me.

For instance, last night I realized that I missed my bloggiversary  - this blog turned one year old about a week ago, on August 22nd, and I didn't even notice. Oops. Perhaps at some point there will be cake. Actually, there was cake last night (for no reason other than intense cake craving), so there we go. I've celebrated, kind of.  If you are looking for a reason to have cake, feel free to join me in wishing Frustrated Unemployed Actress a happy first birthday. Who knew it'd last this long?

So. What's been going on lately?

Mostly, it's been a lot of work on all fronts. The day job, which never really slowed down over the summer, has ramped back up. Most of the staff is back from vacation and programs are already starting, so it's essentially Fall in my world, despite the fact that it's still August. The play is, basically, a second full-time job. Rehearsals are getting more and more intense (as they should be - we open in a week!), and along with those comes the endless homework, and of course the job of promoting the show so that people might actually come and see it. We're also building the set, pulling together last-minute costume stuff, creating the program and - oh, yeah - I have to do something about opening night cards and gifts for the rest of the team. There's not been a lot of time to breathe, although that is probably what I most need to do.

Number of nervous breakdowns so far: still zero!  But, this morning, it felt like I was getting close. Even if it happens, I'll be impressed with myself. The last time I produced and starred in a show while working full-time, there were three separate, yet equally intense, slide-down-the-wall-weeping-because-I-just-can't-do-it-all-and-stay-sane moments.  The fact that I've come this far without that happening is remarkable.

I see by the clock that I have to scoot to a meeting. I'll try to update you guys again soon, probably after opening.

Oh - if you  have emailed me and I have not replied, I am sorry. I will get to it, I will!  Really.  Soon. Ish.

Also, if anyone is wondering why I haven't blogged more about the rehearsal process, in addition to lack of time, this show just feels... private, somehow. I don't feel like I can talk about the process on this one. Partly this is because acting is quite different from directing, which I did last summer, and part of it is just that this particular show is... different. I'll maybe try to elaborate on that in a future post.

Everybody have a great end of summer and if you're in North America, a great Labo(u)r Day weekend!

If you got here by googling Paget Brewster...

...which I see from my recent search terms that many of you have, I tagged her in a recent post in which she is barely mentioned, and I'm afraid you'll get here and be mad.

BEFORE YOU GET MAD: You might want to read my open letter to her. That post actually concerns her. (And it's nice and supportive and stuff.)

You might also enjoy this post. It has video of her.

Also, as an addendum to the open letter post, after writing it, I came across this podcast interview with her.  It's fantastic. Long, but well worth listening to for a number of reasons (I think I've listened to it five times now). As a struggling actress, it's exactly the sort of stuff I wish more people would talk about. There were many things she said where she might just as well have been talking about me. She is so honest and so candid and just generally a sweetheart. She's also bloody funny - I laughed a lot - and she broke my heart in the last 25 minutes as well, talking about her firing/re-hiring/being-written-out/being-forced-back/leaving-because-she's-still-hurt-and-also-embarrassed-about-feeling-that-way* experience with Criminal Minds. And yet she puts a positive spin on the whole experience.  I want to have coffee with this woman.

*Personally, I think it's CBS that should be embarrassed, not Paget. They treated her like a piece of property instead of a human being, with no regard whatsoever for her feelings. But we feel what we feel, and I get it. I'm pretty certain I'd feel the same way if I were in her position.

So, fellow Paget fans, this post is for you, with my apologies. I'll be more reserved in my tagging in future. :)